Light at the end of the tunnel
October is not only a very special month to me as it is my birthday month but also because it is Domestic Violence Awareness month.
I had written an article on my own experience with domestic violence a couple years ago, since I am all for sharing my experiences and spreading awareness of any kind. Sadly, and not at all surprisingly, I received some negative backlash asking me to take it down. Some people from my past were worried about how it made them look.. The nerve, eh! BUT in most cases of domestic violence individuals close to the abusers usually tend to keep a blind eye and enable them, so really there was no shock there when it came to the feedback. I eventually did take the post down. I decided to take it down for myself! Mostly, because I did not want to speak about the sensitive and important topic from a place of anger, which was the state I was in when I wrote it back then. I’ve had many people tell me I should share my experience now to help anyone out there who is dealing with domestic violence, since I’ve grown so much from then. Ultimately, I wanted to write about it from a healed, loving place. If I can help even one person get through it, feel some comfort in knowing they are not alone or send out some support to take the first step to getting out, getting help or even talking to someone about what they are going through, it will make my experience all the more worth it!
Globally, an estimated 736 million women have been subjected to domestic violence. 736 MILLION!! That stat breaks my heart every time I see it! 1 in 3 women worldwide have been subjected to a form of abuse. To be honest, I never thought I would be a part of that statistic and for a long time I felt so much shame about it. At times I still do, i’m working on it! So many questions I would ask myself. Why me? Why do I deserve this? Why did I stay for so long? What could have I done to change things? What I have learned through the healing process is that it really had nothing to do with me, and I think that’s what most of us truly need to know! It is nothing we have done. There is no action that deserves a response of abuse of any kind! I was the whole package, just at the wrong address. And so are any of you reading this that are in an unhealthy relationship!!
I can still smell and feel the cold, dewy air on the night I left. It was the middle of November 2018. Sky pitch black with what seemed like millions of scattered, blinking dots. The stars were always so beautiful in his small town. This post is for all who have dealt or are dealing with domestic violence. When I tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel, I mean it with all my heart.
It’s coming up on three years since I left my very toxic marriage. Yes, I was “technically” married. I never say it though, to me that ceremony never happened. My friends and I call it “the party I threw.” Looking back on it from a much wiser and clear head, that wasn’t even a marriage! Or love, really.
An empath myself, narcissists are statistically proven to be drawn to us. Our sensitivity to other individuals’ emotions make us an easy target for them. At the time we met I felt my most confident and was living such a great life. Now the first couple of months with him were amazing but the bad guys always show you a mirage first before the true colours come through. Having dealt with violence in his childhood, I just wanted to help him at many points in our relationship when I saw actions of his own unhealed trauma come out and spew onto me. Many would ask why I didn’t leave then, which now being in a clear mindset I wish I could yell at myself to run for the hills. As abusers often do, they beg for forgiveness after a terrible action. There were some forms of physical abuse before we got married but honestly, I myself wasn’t in a healthy mindset then to stick up for myself and leave. He wore me down emotionally to the point that I had no self esteem and felt trapped. Somehow he would always make the violent outbursts my fault and then routinely ask for my forgiveness. I realize now that he had stolen my self worth and self confidence. He preyed on my good heart and it wasn’t my fault, it was his! Abusers often have these 11 key traits. Initially they charm you. Starting off the relationship with so much adoration and attention. The “I can’t live without you’s” and quickly push for an exclusive relationship or engagement, which was in my case. Another key trait is manipulation. They know your weak spots and use it to their advantage. They are extremely controlling! A narcissist, the whole world revolves around them and their wants and needs. Inconsistent, one moment they are so happy and the next they are pounding their fists. Critical, disconnected, hypersensitive, cruel. Insincerely repentant, “they will NEVER do it again, they promise”! And finally, they are always the victims. Their poor choices are everyone else’s fault and that’s why they do what they do!
After two and a half years, I finally left! Statistically it takes seven attempts for a woman to leave their abuser. I’ll admit, I stayed way longer than I should have and a lot of it had to do with my empathy for his childhood upbringing and the fact that we were married. I was raised in a religious household and divorce is generally not an option. It’s so strange but I don’t even remember what his face looked like now. Kind of like when you dream about someone but their face is blurred. I just remember how I felt in those days.. Heavy, uneasy, anxious, scared, embarrassed, to scratch the surface. Most of the time I don’t even feel like that period of my life happened, like it was a nightmare I had once. He was like Jekyll and Hyde. One day everything was so sunny and the next it was so dark. Emotionally and physically draining. In my opinion, I think a lot of times we focus on the good times and overlook the bad ones and yes, no relationship is always sunshine and rainbows but abuse of any kind is a non negotiable! I will say tho after all of it, i’m thankful. I learned a lot about myself going through and surviving those days. I learned to take people as they show you they are from the get go. That real love never disrespects you. That you can’t “fix” anyone, even if you really want to! To never let anyone you love hurt or take advantage of you, no matter who they are. To never let anyone drag you down with them!! To stand up for yourself and to love yourself first! To always remember your self worth and what you deserve. And at times that can be hard. We’re human and the heart is a fickle thing! I had to really let my brain override my heart in those days and luckily, after way too long, my brain took over! I will say I am a very strong person and for him to have done all the horrible things he did to me and it taking almost three years for me to finally stand up for myself, I realized that no matter how strong you are, certain situations can really suck you in unwillingly. It was like I was trying to find my way out of the Bermuda Triangle!
To anyone dealing with domestic violence, you will find your way out!! There will be a moment that you’ll think to yourself, “Enough is enough!!” You’ll realize you deserve so much better! I used to be so embarrassed to talk about it, I didn’t really tell anyone about the things I was going through because of the shame I felt. But really, he’s the one who should be ashamed!
I recently watched the show “Maid”. A friend told me about it, but warned me it would be quite heavy. If you haven’t watched it yet, spoiler alert…. It’s about a young mother named Alex, who is in the midst of escaping the abusive relationship she has with her child’s father Sean played by actor Nick Robinson. Who let me just say, captures the emotional battle of an abusers character perfectly! Sean struggles with alcohol abuse and when he’s drunk he unleashes all his trauma onto his girlfriend Alex, all while their daughter Maddy is in the house with them. There are visuals of punched holes in the walls and broken glass on the floor from the aftermath of his bouts of rage that I’m telling you was like they took the scene right out of my own personal experience. Alex leaves in the middle of the night, rescuing her daughter from her abusive father. The palpable empathy I had for her having to take care of a child while dealing with the horrendous trials and tribulations she was facing, just trying to leave a toxic relationship, was all consuming! She did the right thing but yet everything and everyone was against her. I only had myself to worry about, I can’t even imagine having to fight for your child as well, especially when the law can be against you. She lost custody of her daughter for a week for leaving without notifying Sean. Can you believe that?! She was protecting her daughter from him and the law basically said “he’s the dad, bring her back to the asshole who will probably scar her for life!” That happens in our reality, too many times!! It’s an unfair world we live in sometimes! At the end of the amazing series, Alex has fought as hard as she can. Getting a job as a maid, pinching pennies to survive. Living in her car initially. Moving from shelter to different apartments until she finally finds her happy ending of getting full custody of her daughter and leaving town to go to college and start a new and better life for her and her daughter. After watching Maid, I learned so much more on the matter. I can see why and sympathize with those who think staying with their abuser is the easier option. Some are poor and have nowhere to go. No family and friends to rely on. Children that they’ll have to go through legal processes to fight for. They’re scared or feel like it will be an endless amount of speed bumps to get to the other side. The easier way might be to stay and there is no shame in feeling that way, but truly the only way for a good life is to leave! I was so fortunate to have an amazing support group that helped me. To be there while I picked up the pieces of my broken life. I too spent all my hard earned money on my life with my ex, not even having money for gas to make the 2 hour trip back home when I finally left him.
For any of you reading this who are dealing with domestic violence, fight!! Do all you can and all you have to do to get out safely. It is NOT your fault!! Do not be embarrassed. Talk about it to loved ones or professionals. You are not alone! You do not deserve any of it! Rip the bandaid and get out! You deserve so much more!! Just take the first step or even get some information on where to start. At the moment the thought of leaving is unimaginable, I know, but coming from a survivor it is so much better on the other side! I am so thankful I got out and I hope all of you dealing with an unhealthy relationship will too! The way you love should be reciprocated, not taken advantage of! It will definitely be hard, and you will have to stay strong through the pain and through all you have to do to get back to some normalcy but you ARE strong and this experience will make you even stronger, trust me! Life will be beautiful again. Possibilities endless, and one day your story will help someone take that first step as well! You loved the wrong person so much, imagine how much more you’ll love the right person and the beautiful, healthy love and life you will get in return. I am wholeheartedly rooting for you!! You got this!!
“At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end.” ― Christine Mason Miller
National Domestic Violence Helpline : 1(800)799-7233
*For those in need of refuge check out your local Domestic Violence shelters. They will give you a place to stay, food to eat, clothes to wear, protection and guidance as you navigate your way through this.
Peace, Love & Stand up for yourself xoxo